i can't wait to become a new person

There are a few things in life I find completely repulsive.
1) children on leashes
2) people that don't wash their hands
3) self-portrait facebook albums

and

4) new years resolutions.

I applaud you for trying to turn over a new leaf....however, choosing a single day to make life changes is just not logical.


The thing about making life changes--you are either ready to make them or you are not. Personal change is not an exactly easy thing to do, and it certainty doesn't just happen when the ball drops at midnight. 

Most people overestimate their ability to control their behavior, but little do they realize, our brains are pretty much automatically wired to do and act in certain ways. Habits can be altered, but must be counteracted before they are avoided. Sorry, silly resolutions aren't the catalyst.


My favorite Resolutions

 I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. I find this one to be more of a 365 day resolution, but that's really more of a personal problem than anything else. I'm not saying people don't actually succeed in shedding off some pounds after the holidays (let's face it, you prob got fat..)..but if people really followed this resolution, our society as a whole would be a lot thinnerrrrr. Plus, most people go out on NYE....and unless you are that freak of nature that craves lettuce while hungover, good luck sticking to this plan.


 I WANT TO WORKOUT. Great. You want to get your ass on the treadmill. You probably should. But it becomes super annoying when gyms become extremely overcrowded, weirdos come out of the woodwork, and people who actually work out on a daily basis, have to wait for a machine. Sorry, I don't pay for a gym membership to wait.



I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY . Ok. Call mom and tell her you love her. I applaud you.

 I WANT TO QUIT SMOKING. If cold turkey works for you...amaze! But here's an idea. Go on Amazon, buy some fancy nicotine patch...and see how it goes.

 I WANT TO DRINK LESS ALCOHOL. Ok. This one makes sense. Being that drunk idiot at the bar is never cute...no matter what year it is. My suggestion is to become a premium Netflix member, cozy up by the fire, and sip that delicious Chamomile tea you have stocked in your pantry. (good luck getting laid...)

 I WANT TO GIVE TO OTHERS. Oh, how I value philanthropic people. Giving to others, which doesn't necessarily mean monetarily, is something that should be rooted in your character, not on a calendar. If you don't understand what I'm saying....start with this. Go to Salvation Army, and donate all those Juicy sweatpants outfits that were so cool back in 2005.


I WANT TO GET MORE SLEEP. Doesn't everybody? Try giving up Starbucks. I dare you.



I WANT TO BUDGET FINANCES. This is smart, and I think it's great you are aware that your credit card bill is reaching its limit....however, until I start making lotssss of money from all these ridiculous years of school....I would much rather buy a cute top to go out in Saturday night, then stuff my piggy bank with money.

Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with committing to being better, but focusing on last years failings is only going to heighten self-critiscm and re-confirm the fact that you don't have what it takes to successfully follow resolutions. Set goals, start the new years with positivity, just realize that setting yourself up for failure doesn't exactly scream happiness.


Happy New Years!

"we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours."

tis this season

Tis the season to be jolly....fa la la la la...I don't care. 

Sorry.

Not to sound like the offspring of the grinch..but holidays are kinda, sorta, seriously, overrated. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish. And I never got that Christmas tree all of us little Jews wanted as children (I still want one!). Or maybe it is because every time I sat on Santa's lap at Northbrook Court, I told him I was Jewish, and he looked at me funny. Or maybe it's the mere fact that Christmas music (played EVERYWHERE) makes me want to thank Michael Bolton for becoming a musician.

Whatever the case may be, I think the holiday "spirit" has great intentions, but thats about it.


Gifts.
I, for one, get really uncomfortable when I open up gifts without knowing what is inside. Yeah, I know...where's the fun in that? Well, maybe I'm no fun...but I feel sorry for those who spend money on things I will never use. As a child,  I made a list spelling out EXACTLY what I wanted....I mean you can imagine how traumatizing it would be to get the wrong American Girl outfit for Molly....(duh....we all know Samantha could never pull of stripped pajamas....) Ridiculous? Maybe. But unlike other mothers who went frantically up and down the aisles at Toys R Us....I'd say she got a pretty sweet deal.


Food.
Ok, I love food. And hate it too.  After  Thanksgiving, when I already owe the Precor an extra 30 minutes, the thought of sipping Egg Nog is basically me begging my ass to get bigger.  (and wtf is egg nog? i like my eggs scrambled, not put in a coffee mug.) Anytime you put a bunch of family members together, there is always some type of drama that comes along with it. This uncomfortable feeling then results in overeating.  Sure, I'd love to talk to my aunt about how I forgot to send her a birthday card this past year...but not without a piece of fattening apple pie in my lap. Do you see what I mean? It's a prob.

Returns.

Again, don't mean to be a debbie. But returns....are a bitch. Let's face it. Everyone makes returns, because nobody really likes the gifts they get. With that being said, if you don't attach a gift receipt, you're evil....and deserve the kind of guy who buys you jewelry from Jareds. Retailers are smart. They keep a time limit on these "returns" and after that, you are stuck with the wrong size curling iron that Shirley Temple wants back from the 1920's. Think quick, return quick, because guess what? You are stuck with that gift until it becomes a re-gift...and that is just pathetic.


Happy Holidays!!!! 

"you see how picky i am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet!"

crazy and her bitch.

Penelope Jane

Ever since I became a dog owner, I've truly felt like a mother. You can laugh all you want, but any half decent dog owner can attest to this feeling. I would never say that having a dog is the same thing as having child..(normally, a child doesn't get picked up at O'Hare airport in cargo)...nor am I insinuating that parenting is easy. From what I've heard, it's rather challenging....and just thinking about all the different ways I'm going to screw up my own children isn't so comforting, either.

My point is, the second you start caring for someone other than yourself, priorities immediately change.  For the first time ever, you can't just do what you please. It's a rewarding feeling, and at the same time...a nerve-wrecking one.

So you can imagine why I want the absolute best for my little pup. From her grooming, up to date checkups, a strict organic diet, avoiding any products made in China, and having the appropriate amount of daily exercise....I really do try my best to be, like, the best mom ever. 


Recently these efforts have become compromised, and I've really started to worry. Well, more like freak out. For the past couple of months, my little pup has boycotted dog parks. At first I blamed it on the hot weather....she does have a lotttttt of hair. But after I got her the shortest puppy cut Petco was willing to do without having her look like an ugly Chihuahua...I was out of excuses.

I mean, I was just totally clueless. When I first got her, she would run around the park like she owned the place. Big dogs wanted to be her friends, and all the little dogs envied her.  But now she just kinda plops down by my side and acts completely uninterested. I know it sounds awful, but all I could think was "is my dog that weird kid in class? Is she falling into some type of depression...and is it all my fault????"

I called my vet. And then I went on to call my dog trainer (always get a second opinion). Both told me that Zoloft was completely out of the question, and ridiculous. Shockingly, dog therapy was ruled out as well. They assured me that some dogs feel more attached to people than they do with other dogs. And its ok.

Apparently there has been an extensive amount of research about the misconception in the nature of dog behavior. Originally, dog behavior was compared to the behavior of wolves. Wolves form immediate attachments to other wolves, and when isolated are left feeling extremely anxious. Dogs aren't wired the same way, which is probably why you don't hear many people talk about their pet wolves.  Innately, dogs form strong attachments to their caretakers, and some are just inclined to remain loyal and interested in humans.

Ok, so with this in mind....I feel like I actually have a piece of mind.

My pup doesn't have issues.

I do.

.... I mean, she can't help it that she loves me so much. 

"who takes care of this household? who makes sure daddy eats right?"

The First Date 10 Commandments

10 First Date DONT'S for guys

1. He's late. Don't you know you have to be early for this one? Girls run 10-15 minutes late, and until you are comfortable enough to tell us how rude and annoying we're being...."take your time" is the only thing we want to hear.

2. He makes no plan. I'm all for spontaneity, but there is nothing worse than aimlessly walking around with some guy I barely know. Girls like guys who can take charge, and this is an obvious red flag you have no idea what you are doing. Try to fake it in the beginning. We'll figure out soon enough you are clueless.

3. He asks you questions about sports. Ok, maybe some girls looooooove talking about sports...but you need to remember this isn't a bromance. Also, most of the time when girls say they love sports...they are just trying to make you think they are, like, so chill. Whatever.

4. He comments about prices on the menu. I just think this is tacky. First off, most girls don't expect to be taken to some expensive and pretentious restaurant right of the bat. I'm being serious. If you can't afford it, don't take us. We have the rest of our lives to complain about it.

5. He talks about money. This is a sensitive topic, and quite frankly, a private one. It's obnoxious when you brag, and it's obnoxious when you talk about what you wish you had. Besides, we're silently judging you...and silence is golden. 

6. He answers the phone or text messages. Listen, if it's an emergency at work...or your best friend got arrested and you're his one phone call, we will understand. (Although, these tend to be quite convenient excuses...) Other than that, go to the bathroom if you are dying to correspond with someone.



7. He is rude to the waiter/waitress. Lets all agree this is pretty standard.

8. He makes fun of you. This one is tricky, because I love nothing more than poking fun. However, on the first date a girl doesn't want to feel embarrassed. Even if she does laugh, chances are she's already put you in the toss out pile. Just wait a little while to give her a hard time.  Most likely, you'll already know if she has a sense of humor.


9. He asks inappropriate questions. What's your favorite sex position? How many guys have you slept with? Where's the craziest place you have ever done it? All fun topics. Just none of your business right now.

10. He doesn't pay. No, that is all.

and for girls....

1. She is extremely late. Again, 10-15 minutes....it's still kinda rude, but this is the only time you get this leeway. Anything over that, you should be slapped in the face.

2. She dresses slutty. Even if you are a slut, it is wise to tone it down. You aren't in a nightclub. Unless you're only looking to get laid, and never intend to see this guy again...leave something up to the imagination. Plus, he's already imagined you naked. 

3. She talks about her weight. Ok this one KILLS me. I have no problem admitting to this abiding habit. I'll ask my mom if I've gained weight everytime I see her (which is weekly), I'll complain to my friends...I've even gone as far as asking  complete strangers in clothing stores if I look fat. This isn't attractive behavior. Bite your tongue. If I can refrain from talking about it, anybody can. 

4. She doesn't eat. This is really annoying. Girls, even if you normally don't eat, (I admire your willpower....) or you are a bona fide closet eater...guys get extremely turned off by this. Let's keep your eating disorder to yourself for a while.

5. She talks about how damaged she is from her last breakup. Seriously? Not cute. At least pretend you have your shit together.

6. She is dense. Do you need to bring up the Pythagorean Theorem? No. But if all you have to talk about is clothes, makeup, and how unfair daddy was by cutting you off financially....you probably should be dating a girl.

7. She bitches and complains. You best wait for this one.

8. She gets too drunk. He has to like you before he can let things like this slide.

9. She talks about money. Sensitive subject. Nobody's business. Obnoxious.

10. She talks about marriage. Guys get it. All girls want to get married. But they also don't want to hear about your timeline, the floral arrangements at your wedding, or the names of your non-existant children.

"sometimes they come to class, and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them."

the truth about age.

When I was growing up, I will never forget this one girl who I rode the bus with everyday. Stacey lived in my neighborhood...and because she was a year above me in school....she was, like, really cool.

 For years we would save eachother seats, share leftover snacks, and giggle  when anyone smelly or weird looking came on the bus. If anyone taught me how to be a mean girl, it was Stacey.

So you can imagine how obvious it would be for me to think that we were really good friends, right? Well yeah...I was wrong. We apparently weren't friends. Accidentally, I overheard Stacey talking with her friends when my name came up.

" She's my bus friend...but she's not my real friend, because she's younger than me."

This was the first time I ever thought about the relevance of age.

Does age matter? Is it weird to have friends that aren't your age? What about a dating someone a lot younger? Or dating something much much older? 

Throughout the years, the idea of age has become less of a big deal..and I have figured that age doesn't have to matter, but it could matter. It is the vehicle by which we experience common milestones in life, and since humans aren't fixed timelines, a simple number is unequivocal to one's respected age. Some of us mature ridiculously young, while others take the Ferris Bueller route in life.

Based on the priorities we create, we fit certain people into our lives. I guess if two people find one another, and are at complementary places in their life--- who cares if one is in a walker and the other is doing body shots on a Tuesday night?

I for sure don't. But that bitch Stacey might.
(btw, she went on to being such a loser in high school.) 

Here is a list of some of my favorite and inappropriate age difference couples: 

Anna Nicole & her inheritance. Age Difference: 275 years.

Demi & Ashton. She developed a serious image disorder to keep up with his youth, and he decided to bang her much more age appropriate daughter, Rumer. Ok kidding. Age Difference: 16 years

Katie and Tom. Yeah, her contract was up. That is all. Age difference: 16 years

Good for Hef and Krystal. I think this one is solid. She's a slore, and he's just trying to stare at a nice pair of twins before he croaks.  Age difference: only 60 years.

Madonna and her son back-up dancer bf, Jesus.  All around wrong. Age difference: 29 years.

Woody Allen & his daughter. Oh, wait. His ex's daughter. It's a good thing he makes great movies, because this is some sick shit. Age difference: irrelevant.

Scarlette and Mr. Penn. Eh...I'm bored. Age difference: 24 years

"college girls wear less makeup on their face, and that is why guys like them more."

do work son

Just when you think high school is over, you get a job for corporate America and realize that the drama is just as ridiculous. Actually, its probably worse--because unlike high school, people can legally drink, have no excuse for reckless/inappropriate behavior, and get paid to attend.

I haven't had a job for a little over a year now, and while  I'm nauseated thinking about sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day doing something I couldn't stand...I do miss the dynamics of all the people and the baggage they brought into work each day. 

Anytime you put people in a fixed environment for a certain amount of time, it is only inevitable for shit to get crazy. I mean, isn't the monkey cage your favorite spot at the zoo? If you think about it, you really do spend more time with your co-workers than you do your family, your significant other, your friends....These people, in some weird way or another, become a huge part of your life. Because of this, they also become a huge headache. 

While I am out of the office world, I can say that the two years that I was apart of it....I learned some valuable lessons when it came to surviving in it. Some may be based on personal experience, while others through just having a single brain cell...either way, I find them to be true and if you don't agree with me, I could care less. 

1. Do not bump uglies with your co-workers. Ok, I'm not getting into this in one in detail, but trust that not matter WHAT...it is a terrible idea

2. Do not do anything outside of the office that you would not do inside of it. Happy hour--a glass of wine, fine. An after hours orgy, not fine. 

3. Do not ever use the excuse "I don't feel well." The more uncomfortable your excuse is to use, the better it is to be believed. (yes, yeast infection is a good one.)

4. Do not ever forget to flush. (this actually is just human decency 101.)

5. Do not assume that sleeping with upper management leads to a corner office.

6. Do not make enemies. Obviously, personality clashes are going to happen....but go out of your way to be nice to everyone. 

7. Do not get on HR's bad side. They are your best friends, believe me. 

8. Do not bring fish for lunch. 

9. Do not be late. Work ethic, people. It's important. 

10. Do not make personal calls on your work phone

"i assume you are referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that one slide."

Bad, Bella.

I have just about had it with all this Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson drama. If I hear the word "cheated" one more time, I am  going to officially remove it from my vocabulary. The world is handling this unbelievably boring scandal as if there were casualties. Come on people.

For those of you who opt out of celebrity gossip (who are you?) ...I'll give you a recap. Kristen hooked up with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders. Girl even publicly admitted to it.

No, I'm not some crazy feminist or anything, but the way this whole situation is being portrayed really does show how society loves nothing more than a double standard and I'm kind of over it.

While I don't understand how anybody could ever cheat on the sexiest vampire on the planet, I think it is important to get a few things straight before we begin to think it is ok to blacklist her from, well, her career. (and yes, Balenciaga, I am talking to you as well.) 

First: She allegedly never had sex with Rupert. Making out is bad, but truth be told...she isn't married, bad judgement and weak moments happen, and people need to seriously relax.

Second: If you think for one minute that Robert Pattinson has NEVER cheated on his beloved Bella, you are gullible and delusional. Guys are better at masking their emotions, which is probably why they get away with a lot more.

Third: Let's look at the real problem here. Rupert Sanders, who could technically be KStew's father....took advantage of a young fame-whore girl. As a director, he completely broke his professionalism. He also broke his wedding vows, and I'm pretty sure that's against the law (yeah, douche is married).

Fourth: Here is where the true double standard takes place. How many times have you heard about pro-athletes cheating on their wives? Or how about actors blaming their infidelities on a sex addiction? Or politicians who bang dirty hookers?

ALL THE TIME.

And does this effect their contracts? Or movie careers? Or presidency?

So yes, KStew.... definitely did something a little less than kosher, but she is young and human. I still think she is one of the worlds worst actresses, and lame to think wearing converse on the red carpet is sooooo edgy and different.....but still! Give the girl a B_R_E_A_K. People need to back off, and focus on things that really matter. Like Jessica Simpson's weight loss.

"suck and blow is a game, elton!"